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Showing posts with label writer. Show all posts
Showing posts with label writer. Show all posts

Life of a Writer ... by C.L. Beck

An Author's Tale of Woe

Photo © asafesh

Like a typical writer, I'm sitting here at 11:06 in the morning in my jammies. The old, baggy ones that consist of a worn-out pair of olive-green knit pants and a faded, yellow tee-shirt.

Not that anyone cares what I'm wearing, but I'm following J.R.R. Tolkien's example as a writer and am being descriptive. Maybe not as descriptive as Tolkien, though, because according to my totally biased opinion, at least 70% of each of his chapters are long-winded sentences about the scenery.

Really, does anyone care what color the dirt is in Middle Earth? (And now that I've alienated all of the Hobbit fans out there, I shall continue ....)

It's not my fault I'm still in my jammies. Really. It's just that since the moment I bailed out of bed, it's been busy. That's the life of a writer. Ideas flow and the next thing you know, you've been sitting at the computer, writing for 4 hours. With sticky-uppy-outy hair.



Truthfully, my hair looks like I just pulled it out of the blender. Attached or unattached to my head; it doesn't matter. All I've eaten for breakfast is a piece of old gum found under the dust bunnies at the back of the desk. Oh, and a left-over section of an orange that was too sour to eat yesterday and isn't any better today.

Tell me again why I like being a writer?

Ahhh, yes; now I remember. It's the money. Which - for those who remember from, "Help Me Up My Clod Score" - averages out to approximately $1/day. But, that's off the subject.

So, it's when I'm in this condition - wearing ratty ol' pajamas, hair sticking up - that someone always knocks at the door. Invariably. Inevitably. Indubitably. Embarrassingly. (Hmm, let's see. Are there anymore "ly" words I can stick in here?)

Still, I believe in being prepared - even if it is not at an early hour - which is why I'm wrapping up this little article and heading off to get dressed, before ...

Wait. What's that noise? Footsteps on the front porch? The doorbell ringing? Go away! No one's here! (I wonder if I can use the ploy of climbing under the desk and pretending not to be home?)
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"Life of a Writer" © C.L. (Cindy Lynn) Beck
Tags: writer, writing, author, Tolkein



The Bodies Are in the Basement

Posted by my alter ego—that more serious, but still sometimes slightly humorous writer—Cindy Beck.


Photo by Cesar Tort, Wikimedia Commons


Kat Nilsson wrote the words, “I was watching CSI Miami,” in big loopy letters on the legal pad in her lap. Then, since she had writer’s block, she doodled in the loops. After a few minutes of wasted time, Kat scratched her head with the point of her yellow pencil and sighed.

“No. That’s not right. I can’t start a novel out that way. I hate CSI. Can’t stand those women with whitened teeth, brightened faces, and over-tightened blouses.” Kat erased the words with a vengeance, as if erasing the facial features of the botoxed movie stars.

She started again. “Stacy heard a knock at the door, and just as she went to answer—”

As Kat wrote the words, a deep thump, thump, thump reverberated through the house. With a sigh big enough to sink a battleship, Kat threw the pencil into a mug of assorted pens and walked to the front room to see who was knocking.

The wind whistled as she opened the heavy, wooden door, and a chill ran between her shoulder blades. No one stood there. Not a living soul. Attached to the door by a feathered dart was an off-white sheet of paper, with dark, thick handwriting.

It read:
Kat,
If you find the dog, call me.
P.S: The bodies are in the basement.


“The basement?” she whispered. Kat shuddered and tugged her bedraggled University of Utah sweatshirt tight around her body. There was a basement in her house. An old basement with a cold, concrete floor—a room she never, ever, ever went into because … well … anyone who writes murder mysteries knows that something horrifying always happens in the basement.

Scanning the bottom of the note and then turning the paper over, Kat looked for a clue as to who wrote it. No signature, not even a grimy thumbprint to give a hint.

That’s when she heard it—a thin, high-pitched, forlorn howl from under the house. For one illogical second her heart rocketed with fear and she thought about screaming and running to the neighbors. But then, her writer’s curiosity kicked in. Who left the note and why did they put a dog in the basement? How did they know about the basement? Who, what, when, where, how and why?

She counted friends on her fingers. Josi? No, she didn’t own a dog. Nichole? Yes, Nichole was a jokester all right, but also allergic to anything with fur, including.…

Like a good Catholic girl, Kat crossed herself for luck. She might be allergic to aspen and eucalyptus, but at least she wasn’t allergic to mink, like Nichole.

Bulldog, Rex, or Nipsey? Goodness knows their names were doggy enough, but no, they were all too tenderhearted to shove a dog in a basement in order to scare a writer wordless.

It had to be a practical joke, pulled by the neighbor-kid-from-hell, who was always throwing tomatoes at her car when he thought she wasn’t looking. Yup, that had to be it. When she got the dog out of there, she was going to have a long talk with that boy’s parents.

Hitching up her sweatpants, she closed the door behind her and walked around the redwood-sided house to the back yard. Dried leaves crunched under her Big Bird slippers and she realized that they might be a lucky charm when writing, but they wouldn’t do much to protect her against earwigs, black widow spiders, and uggg … stink bugs … that might be in the basement. But it was too late now; her feet took her down the concrete steps as if they had a mind of their own.

Ssshhh. What was that?

A rustling noise, like a lady’s crisp, crinoline underskirt, drifted to Kat's ears. And then, silence. Certain that she’d psyched herself out, Kat took a deep breath and with one hand on the rust-encrusted doorknob, listened again.

Not a sound.

No dog howling, no skirts rustling.

Nothing.

Feeling weak in the knees, and even weaker in the head, she turned the knob and pushed the door. Its hinges squeaked. Dang. She hadn’t done it hard enough, and now she’d have to step inside, in that dark, damp, hole-in-the-ground and push the door all the way open with her shoulder. Why hadn’t she thought to bring a flashlight?

Kat stepped over the doorjamb and shoved. The door slowly inched back, but it was almost as if light feared entering the room. Darkness reigned, and the tiny shaft of brightness that had the courage to shine against the door slowly dimmed as clouds obscured the sun.

That’s when she heard it—an otherworldly moan. And she could make out two bodies, lying on the floor, legs bent at sharp angles, tongues hanging out. A shriek caught in her throat. She wanted to whirl and run but her legs refused to obey.

The shapes unkinked their legs, rose up in front of her, and Kat screamed—a wordless, soundless scream.

"Surprise!" shouted the two bodies as they flicked on flashlights. Hoots of laughter and a chorus of happy birthdays erupted from around the room. They were all there, Josi, Nichole, Bulldog, Rex and Nipsey. And Kat wanted to kill every one of them.

If it wasn’t for Bulldog handing her a puppy that kissed her cheek and snuggled against her shoulder, she would have done it. But then, how mad could she really be, when they’d braved the basement in order to throw a surprise party?

“The puppy’s your present from all of us,” Bulldog said. “Any author who writes about murder needs a dog to curl up with and to protect her from the gaboogities at night.”

The puppy nuzzled Kat's neck, and her heart rate slowly returned to normal. Josi leaned over and stroked the dog’s sleek fur. “What are you going to call her?”

Kat’s eyes twinkled, “After the scare you've all given me, I'm going to name her Heart Attack."

And with that, the puppy pointed her nose in the air and gave a howl of agreement.


What's playing in my head (be sure to click on the link, 'cuz it's cute): The Puppy Song by Harry Nilsson (no relation to the character in this story).

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CONTEST WINNERS (last week)


Sande! Congrats, Sande, you've won an autographed copy of Aunt Rae's Remedies. Please send me your mailing address in an email: cindybeck(dot)author(at)yahoo(dot)com.


CONTEST (this week) In honor of Breast Cancer Awareness

Prize: Autographed copy of Cup of Comfort for Breast Cancer Survivors.

Description from Cup of Comfort Website: If stories are medicine, then this collection will help keep hopes up and spirits alive on the road to recovery. Readers will applaud the bravery of 50 exceptional survivors as they tell their unique experiences with breast cancer. Every breast cancer survivor has a different story, but they all have one thing in common: courage. From dealing with diagnosis to undergoing chemotherapy, facing hair loss and possibly the loss of a breast, these fearless women undergo more than anyone ever should. These stories pay tribute to these women and their battles, and celebrate their victories. In this stunning new collection, readers will find compelling, inspiring, and uplifting personal essays about the experiences and emotions of living with—and after—breast cancer. $.50 of every copy sold will be donated to Susan G. Komen for the Cure®

Cindy's Note: Included in the book is "Dancing in the Moonlight." Written by me, it's the heartwarming story about me and my mom during her diagnosis and surgery for breast cancer.

How to Win: Leave a comment on this blog entry by midnight Friday, Oct 16, 2009. It's as simple as that! If you don't have anyone to give it to who is a breast cancer survivor (that's assuming you win), let me know that in your comments and I'll donate the book to a local library instead. And you'll have done your part for breast cancer!

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Moan-day by C.L. Beck

© C.L. Beck, 2008
(Keywords: Moan, Moan-day, Monday, weeds, gardening, flowers, rose, rose bushes, humor, funny, smile, C.L. Beck, writer, YourLDSNeighborhood.com)

Monday is misnamed. It should be called Moan-day. Why? Because if anything’s going to go wrong, you can bet it’ll happen on that day.

On this particular Moan-day, it all started with gargantuan weeds in the driveway, near our front sidewalk. I dusted the cobwebs off the old weed-eater, pleaded with it to start and begged it to run long enough to whack everything ... including the grass in the rose bed.

It started. Thirty seconds later, the line disappeared. I spent 45 minutes—with the hot sun beating on my head and sweat dripping down my neck—trying to figure out how to pop the spool out to put in new line.

Finally, I realized it wasn’t going to happen and decided to trim the deadwood in the rose bushes—then tackle the grass and weeds by hand. I got a few of the dead branches into the wheelbarrow when ... weird … there weren’t any sounds coming from the backyard.

That meant something was up with our dog, Corky.

I looked all around. No Corky anywhere, but there were a couple of dogs down the street, barking like crazy.

Ah-ha! The Corky Monster had run away. I found him at the end of the block, visiting the barking dogs. He didn’t have a collar on, but it didn’t matter because I didn’t have a leash. I hefted the big chub against my shoulder and trudged home.

After putting him in the yard, it was back to the rose bed. The sun blazed in the sky, my hair plastered itself to my head and my eyes stung from sweat trickling into them. Walking past the sprinkler valve next to the roses, I noticed something suspicious—the valve box was overflowing with water.

A leak. No wonder the lawn had dry spots and the weeds in the driveway were thriving. I schlepped to the garage, got the sprinkling system key and turned the water off.

By now I had a wheelbarrow with dead branches at one end of the sidewalk, a weed-whacker and 100 foot extension cord at the other end, two valve box lids laying on the lawn, and the sprinkler key sticking straight up out of the ground. My yard looked like I was recovering from Hurricane Katrina.

I realized I hadn’t gotten much of anything done. My stomach growled for breakfast. I was ready for a shower. Or maybe a nap. I figured I could make it easy on myself and nap while I showered. But then the weeding wouldn't get done.

In the middle of all that thinking, a sound seeped into my brain. Actually, it was more like no sound. Corky wasn’t barking.

I plodded to the rear and found him ready to dash through a partially open gate at the end of the yard. So that’s how he got out before!

Then it was back to the valve box to bail water. The sun rose higher in the sky. It was 11:00 a.m. and all I’d accomplished was to get hot and sweaty.

After looking the situation over, I decided to give the weed-eater one more try. Into the house I went to call the weed-whacker people. The gal there didn’t have a clue how to get the spool out. My weed-eater was older than her mother.

I finally saw a little doohickey on the weed-whacker’s cover. One push and ta-da, the housing popped free.

The spool had 18 inches of tangled line. I fed some through, put it back together and started it whirring. Thirty seconds later, the line disappeared. I took it apart, pulled more line and started it up. Thirty seconds later? No line again … that weed-eater hated me.

With all the stopping and starting, the machine ran for a total of five minutes. During that time I managed to weed-whack my bare ankles, chop off the heads of the roses and cut three weeds.
By then it was noon. The heat had sizzled what was left of my brain.

Putting everything away, I decided I was finished with weeding for the year—maybe for the century. I headed inside. Forget that longed-for shower of hours ago; I was taking a nap—and sleeping straight through the rest of Moan-day.

What's playing on my radio: Crimson and Clover by Tommy James and the Shondells.
What's playing on my TV: Nothing.
What's playing in my head: Same as what's on the radio.

Join the Neighborhood Newsletter . . . Subscriptions are free and joining is easy. Just by signing up and maintaining your subscription to receive the YourLDSneighborhood.com newsletter, you become eligible for our "Thank You" prizes. Our dozens of giveaways range from a trip for two to China, to iPods® (each with a $50 gift certificate for LDS music), cruises, and more.

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Error, Does Not Compute by C.L. Beck

© C.L. Beck 2008
(Keywords: computer, quill pen, error, computer error, error message, mouse, cheese, stack, programmer, hen, rooster, C.L. Beck, writer, YourLDSNeighborhood.com)

Despite a nostalgic bent for old-fashioned writer’s tools—the quill pen always looked cute to me—I can’t seriously argue that any previous inventions were ever as handy as the computer.

With a computer, a writer can whip out a story in no time, use grammar and spell check to improve the manuscript, and then delete any errors in the blink of an eye. It can be saved as a file on the hard drive, a CD or on a zip drive. Come flood, earthquake, or mud slide, multiple backups ensure all is not lost.

Armed with that knowledge and counting on the computer's speed, I sat down one night not long ago to work on one of my humor columns. Despite the fact that the clock showed only two hours before midnight, I figured I could whip it out in no time.

I wrote the first two paragraphs in thirty seconds and paused for a minute.

The only sound in the room was the quiet of my thoughts (which included a nagging feeling that I should do a backup) and the whirring of the computer fan in the night. A feeling of bliss permeated the air. That is, until an error message appeared out of nowhere:

ERROR: e4G@fdkcokpv^&589yRG j=+-uHG683{=+#BFGvilxxya]404
We know you don’t understand this. We did that on purpose. Click OK.

Where had the message come from? Were there little men in my machine who knew when I made an error? What error had I made? And why?

Thinking I must have hit a wrong key, I moved my mouse to highlight and delete the message, only to get another:

MOUSE ERROR: Mouse was moved without permission. Windows must be restarted for the move to take effect. Click OK.

Knowing my word processing program had done an automatic backup, I followed the instructions and restarted the computer. In the two hours it took the infernal machine to re-boot, I could have written the column by hand.

When I finally got back to my word processing program, it had backed up my text in Chinese and I was ready to shoot the thing. It must have sensed my hostility, because it sent another message:

INTERNAL ERROR: Stack overflow. Internal stack has come unstacked. Click OK.

There's a stack? A stack of what? I was beginning to think it could only be a stack of mentally unbalanced programmers.

Fidgeting at the thought of a discombobulated stack, I accidentally bumped my mouse. My computer blinked, hiccupped, and all my Chinese writing disappeared. I would have throttled the stupid mouse, except I was afraid if I moved it, it would eat my cheese.

Using stealth, I started typing all over again. Just as I began wrapping up my thoughts, I got another error message:

ERROR, ERROR, ERROR: User has made another error. Replace user. Click OK.

Replace user?

Every writer has her own ethical guideline to follow. LDS writers have an even stricter code. Believe me when I tell you it's for that reason alone I didn't call the computer a “bleeping so and so” when it suggested replacing me.

By now the sun was rising, peeking over the ridge. I picked up my computer, lugged it outside and threw it into the henhouse, where it made a fine nesting box for Henny Penny.

Then I hunted for the old rooster. I was certain he wouldn’t mind donating a tail feather so I could make a quill pen.

What's playing on my radio: Nothing
What's playing on my TV: Nothing.

What's playing in my head: Nothing. I'm just a big blank today:)

Join the Neighborhood Newsletter . . . Subscriptions are free and joining is easy. Just by signing up and maintaining your subscription to receive the YourLDSneighborhood.com newsletter, you become eligible for our "Thank You" prizes. Our dozens of giveaways range from a trip for two to China, to iPods® (each with a $50 gift certificate for LDS music), cruises, and more.

Learn about our amazing monthly, quarterly, and annual giveaways by clicking here.

This blog sponsored by YourLDSNeighborhood.com. Please show your appreciation by returning to and browsing through the Neighborhood!

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